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I`ve just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Apparently someone`s taken the appendix out.
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it`s strapped to the top of someone`s car.
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it`s true calling: helping people wink online.
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down post at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I prefer a slowie not a quickie.