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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
It`s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it`s too late.
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
I saw the city workers putting up a sign on my street and it says Bumpy road ... so I put up a sign that says ,, FIX IT !
You`ve got to love yourself ... Just not in public places
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
There`s nothing like the laughter of a baby....unless you`re home alone at 1 am...and you don`t have children...
I`m more indecisive than a John in a brothel with gold credit card.
Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?