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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
I had to leave the bowling alley right in the middle of the game. I didn`t have time to spare.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happening to me, only with beer.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
Your duty as a friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
If rolling your eyes burned calories, Facebook would be my gym.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
Does shaking the vending machine count as working ...
I may be stupid but im also dumb! :D
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book at Barnes and Noble and laid them end to end you get thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.