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Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it`s a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
I bet Jellyfish are sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish.
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
thinks whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never been to a nude beach!!
I hate it when Hippos fall on me when walking home from school... :D
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
Went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn`t find any
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. :)