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If the planet is 4 billion plus yrs old. Is 2017 really the correct new year.
Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
Ah Friday...my second favorite "F" word!
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
One thing I`ll never understand is alcohol free wine
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that`s my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself “Enough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.
status uploading
Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?