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I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase Regards again.
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
I remember 2012 like it was yesterday.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I took part in the sun tan world championships this weekend. I got bronze.
Does shaking the vending machine count as working ...
Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.