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I`m going to make a bucket list: Things I`m going to do before I kick the bucket. Number 1: WEAR SHOES!!!
"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
If I go sleep at 6 in the morning, does it mean I go to sleep early or late?
There is no such thing as bad luck, there is good luck and life!
Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent`s face there is no known comeback.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
If he remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs
I could totally handle twins, triplets even quadruplets. Hold it, you`re talking about BABIES?
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
I guess if you spoke your mind, you´d be speechless, huh?
A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who`s stressing you out.
Watching these gymnasts doing the balance beam is making me feel really bad about almost missing the couch.