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How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
Marriage is for quitters
If intelligent people don’t start having babies as fast as the trash in “honey boo boo”, we’re headed for a very dumb future. Am I the only one that sees this?!
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
If you hear a roommate having loud sex, a cool thing to do is kick down the door and shout "player 3 has entered the game!"
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
The coolest tourist attraction in the world is the Sistine Chapel, because it`s full of ceiling fans.
If you don`t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Some days the problem is I care too much… Today was not one of those days…
If anyone knows Phillip tell him I have a bunch of his screwdrivers.
That moment when being uncool, is cool
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.