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The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Whenever I see people doing sign language, I assume they are discussing the best way to murder the rest of us and steal our ears.
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
Stop complaining about being single on Valentine`s Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald`s doesn`t serve breakfast after 10.30
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
"Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I`m doing nothing right now... it`s totally possible.
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I`m slowly getting over it.
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Well it`s almost time for that " New Year -- New Me " bullsh_t again!
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…