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Summer is here. I`m in the process of moving all my bad habits outside.
I gotta ask you a sirius question....do you know the muffen man
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
I’m too young to be too old for everything.
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
Why is it when I flush the toilet in the middle of the night, I have a feeling I woke up the entire neighbourhood?
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.