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Oh you better not pout. You better not cry. You better not shout I`m telling you why. Nobody gives a f*ck.
I don`t mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It`s the coming back home part that bothers me.
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
My innocent look never works in the nude.
I used to be a terrible flirt ... I am much better at it now.
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
If you don`t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn`t get your money`s worth.
My girlfriend asked me to send some dirty pics. So I sent her a picture of my sink full of dishes. :)
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.