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I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
How can I love nature when it did this to my hair?
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
Pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer.....me trying not to drop a child
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....
Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.