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My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
If someone hates you for no apparent reason, give them one.
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
whoo hoo...I have new gutters. Please try and keep your mind out of them.
Gun Control: Use both hands
No, I don`t have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
The more I get to know you, the more I`m convinced that you are the sole inspiration behind many medications.
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
There`s nothing like the laughter of a baby....unless you`re home alone at 1 am...and you don`t have children...
People says nothing is imposible.. But i do nothing everyday!!
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.