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I`m still waiting for that fairly tale scene where the animals clean everything for me.
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
One time I asked some girl what she was thinking. By the time she finished her thought we had 2 children.
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they’re being annoying little bastards.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
?”Nobody listens to me….” – Yellow traffic light
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my mind and my temper
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.
People says nothing is imposible.. But i do nothing everyday!!
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.