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If gas prices keep going up I`m cutting off the bottom of my car and I`m "Flintstoning" That mf!
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
Bad things happen to good people, so I`m pretty sure we`re all safe
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .
If you can`t handle me at my worst I completely understand, because I can`t either.
The exam hall is the only place on the earth where everyone is desperate for teamwork..