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May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Do women know that it`s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
I`ll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can`t live without
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
"Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas."
Ways to die: Steal my food.
Instead of “single” as a relationship option, it should read “independently owned and operated”
This patience thing takes forever.
If tit for tat doesn`t mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I`ve been doing it wrong this whole time.
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
So far,,, I`ve spent 300% of this week exaggerating.
I wonder if I could get a job as a babysitter if I referenced my Facebook group admin experience.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.