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I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
I`m only 30 lbs away from my New Year`s resolution to lose 20 lbs!!
Word for today: Dipshidiot
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.
If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don`t slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.
We think therefore we must be, but are we?