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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
What is it about paper towels that makes me always want to use more than one?
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
I regret buying that straight jacket now. I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn`t pull it off...
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
I`m afraid if I start working out, I`ll be too sexy
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
Sometimes I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.