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Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
??q? uo p??oq??? ? ?nq i ??i? ?s?? ??? si si??
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who`s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
If it weren`t for marriage,,, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.