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I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
Don`t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
keep scrolling I`ve got nothing....
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.