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"I woke up with morning wood. She woke up with morning wouldn`t."
In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
After visiting the gov`t healthcare site, I don`t know why I was so worried about their ability to spy on me...
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer.....me trying not to drop a child
"Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.
Don´t call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious"
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?
All I know about sex is from Internet Porn, I`ve tried everything except `Buffering`.
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married