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Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
I liked you until you started ignoring me and then I loved you. -Girls ---- Bfanch
I think my credit card looks weird. Could you send me a picture of yours so I can compare?
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
If a$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb. Maybe she wasn`t that hungry.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
if it has tits or tires sooner or later it will give you problems.
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn`t afford it .
My bed is half full - Lonely optimist.
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.
People born in 1994-1999 have lived in three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums. & they are not even 18 yet.
Little known fact: Walt Disney was the inventor of modern day text talk "M - I - C... C u real soon... K - E - Y... Y? Because we like u"