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Todays Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I may have taken too much sleep medication.......
Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I`ve only missed one day.
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
The only person whom a woman listens carefully & follows sincerely & does exactly as he says is a photographer
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
It`s always the rednecks that know all the inner most conspiracies of the government.