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I have something on my mind but I am not telling you, Facebook.
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don`t worry, another study says you`re just being paranoid.
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in...
If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
Men are great listeners when you have big boobs ;)
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
I finally got some medication for my Attention Deficit Disorder. Now if I could just remember the name of it and where I left it at.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
If your day was that bad, why do you assume we want to know about it?
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!!!!