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Redneck word of the day : Asphalt. It`s your own dumb asphalt !!
Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 700 words.
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
How do you people have the time to hate a stranger on the internet?
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Who needs the weather network when you have Facebook.
Of course bears sh!t in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
Happy 4th of July ! ... It`s a holiday. You know what that means... Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.