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Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
I`m in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I`m at the liquor store.
Picking and choosing who to say happy birthday to since 2006, thanks Facebook!
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?
Remember all those times I said "wow, that`s cool!"? What I really meant was, "shut the f*ck up, I hate you."
When I think of a selfie, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of
I could be a morning person....if morning happened around noon.
I wish bedtime was all the time.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
When I`m cleaning my room, 1% cleaning 29% moaning 70% playing with stuff I just found.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.