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Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
Patience is not about how long you can wait, but how well you behave while waiting.
I should be able to take a sick day if I am sick of the people I work with.
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
Why does `beans` only mean secret when it`s "Don`t spill the beans?" Why can`t I say I have a dirty little beans to tell you?
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
People in glass houses shouldn`t masturbate during the day....
You can never really say `what`s on your mind` when you have family members on your Facebook.
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic