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"I`d like a bowl of soup please." "Any sides?" "I hope so, or it`ll go EVERYWHERE."
I hate it when a website greets me with a pop-up window. It just feels like you should say hi first, maybe buy me a drink.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
I bought a blowup doll today, but I won`t blow her up until tomorrow. I don`t want to seem desperate.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you’re nuts.
It`s all good and well until the fecal matter impacts the electric powered air current generation device.....
"Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn`t accurately describe my life I don`t know what does
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
My parents are visiting. So I pretty much know how much gas cost everywhere.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal