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Have you ever seen the look on a mans face when he is truly sorry? Yeah, me either!
If my "friends" post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Modern video games are giving kids unrealistic standards of how many swords they can carry at one time.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.