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I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Sorry, I`m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
A smile is the same in every language, I`m pretty sure the pee pee dance is too
Life is tough. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it like the rest of us.
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.
I`m Outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk and pass out in the yard....
I always thought I looked like romeo, until I washed the picture off my mirror...