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The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
Feeling a little sassy today...But then again, that`s everyday
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...