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I`m going to make a bucket list: Things I`m going to do before I kick the bucket. Number 1: WEAR SHOES!!!
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I did last year.
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
I flunked anger management class.
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
there is no strong beer, only weak men
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
once again Tequila is the Delete History button of my brain.
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?
I have nothing!