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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.
"F@ck It" has gotten me through a lot of situations.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
“FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!” – Mother Nature
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"