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My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
Having a favorite homeless person is weird, right?
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
"Has anybody ever seen a chicken fly? No? Good, there`s nothing wrong with ya"
You`re not unlucky. Bad things happen to you because you`re a dumba$$.
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...