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Please excuse me for talking while you were interrupting.
It`s not a real relationship until their zip code is in your Weather Channel app.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
No one ever said life was easy, but several people did say that you were.
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
If Iām going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then Iām going to need a bigger rug.
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
My neighbor put the box his fridge came in on the curb for trash pickup. Guess who has a new fort!