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Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
I was on the treadmill for 20 minutes this morning. Tomorrow I might even turn it on, but let’s not rush into things.
Exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah`s Fitness.
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.
If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesnt that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie? ... hmmm
I have no idea what swag is, but I`m fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.
My version of Heaven would be filled with all the things I`d probably go to hell for.
If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we`ll never know.