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Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
So,do people in England speaks American now that people in America speaks English?
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
If you have fewer than 25 FB friends. Please unfriend me because thats just embarassing and I dont want to be on your "loser" list.
Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn`t made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
Finally in bed. No better time to start thinking about every possible thing that has or ever could happen.
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
If "Cops" has taught me anything it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they`re nothing but trouble...
I`d explain it to you again but I`m fresh out of crayons and puppets
The only thought I have for the weather lately is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji.
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.