Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
These last 7 hours at work are always the longest.
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I let her sleep instead..
You are not a "Food Blogger", you`re a "Fat a$$ with a laptop"
An empty fridge is a sad fridge.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."
I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.