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Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
Hearing jokes is always 100 times funnier when you have water in your mouth.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”