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If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
Sweetie, if your gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty!
What is the difference between a Snow-man & a Snow-lady? Snowballs!
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
I tried kickboxing, but I couldn`t get the hang of walking with boxing gloves on my feet.
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?