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If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
I`m gonna open a bar and name it Rehab.....
If anyone could do it, it wouldn`t be called PROcrastination.
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
The problem with this generation boils down to this one thing: Their cartoons suck.
I eat bananas with a fork, so I don`t look gay.
Jack daniel was found dead by johnie walker at castle strt under savanna tree,captain morgan believed dat he was killed by strongbow.his 4cuzns said that he was best in j&b club at knights...
Life Insurance: Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money?
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I just want to be rich enough to tell my boss, "you`re not the boss of me"!
Facebook is like a fridge full of old food you know what is in your fridge but still you go and check if it changed.
I want to take this moment to thank the depends adult diaper company for allowing me to play my video game for a strait 8 hours uninterupted...