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Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
Keep calm and drink on.
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
169 is still a sex position, but with a creepy guy watching.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
Perhaps we should hold elections on the last Friday of November, with polling stations at Walmart, Target and Apple
If you have no regrets in life, you clearly have never gone out with me.
If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies.
"I get knocked down, but I get up again, You`re never gonna keep me down" ~Bowling pins
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.