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If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
Netflix is raising rates again? Man, whoever`s password I`m using has got to be pissed!
I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
If you’re going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty.
Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
I`m drinking like there`s snow tomorrow.
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
I don’t let my friends do stupid things… ALONE!
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."