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10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
It`s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Groundhog Day, Just walked outside and saw my shadow, It`s now official, Six more weeks of dieting :/
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
Baking soda seems like a scam. "Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator."
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!