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Boy it`s nice out today... or at least that`s what it says on my computer.
thinks the voices in my head are out of beer.
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
Asking a guy, "Are you done with that?" & pointing to his girlfriend, is frowned upon. Apparently.
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
It`s a lot easier to chuck a co-worker in the dumpster than it is to listen to his problems.
I’m planning on ringing the new year in with a kiss ... whether my dog likes it or not.
Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.
Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
I`m smiling ... You should be scared.
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.