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There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
Good morning friends … Wait … what the hell m I doing up this early?
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
Saw a brand new Prius totaled on my way home from work. Still had the window sticker. That would suck... Not to crash, but to drive a Prius.
The light does go out in the fridge ... Now I have to wait for someone to let me out.
"Iyam A. Wii Todd" <-- Bet you can say that name out loud, in a crowded place, and really fast!
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.