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Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
If it`s true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If you like to make love while listeninag to music, always choose live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"