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If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody
Repeat after me: It doesn’t matter how big the problem is, posting it on Facebook won’t solve it.
Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald`s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
is in his own little world but it´s okay they know me here.
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
If my fridge had glass doors I would still stand there and hold the door open.
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
Him: What to play Trivial Pursuit? Her: Sure, But I,m not that smart. Him: What to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
I’m having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!