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It`s what`s on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
did you notice when you yell "yo ugly" about 10 people turn around
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
There are 10 types of people in the world, Those that understand binary, and those who don`t.