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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
I don`t like country music, but I don`t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means `put down`.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
Due to Global Warming Santa will be giving out Solar Panels to all the naughty kids this year!
Tried to explain Twitter to my 80 year old Mother, pretty sure she is now insane.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...
Going to the toilet without your phone is like going to war without a gun