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One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
I keep myself in just good enough shape to outrun most women and small children during emergencies.. :|
I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
Is anyone going to tell America`s funniest videos about YouTube?
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he`s trying to bust a move.
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.