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I don`t care about your status...
Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was gone...
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
My favorite breed of dog? Good question, thanks for asking. Either a corndog or a hotdog.
May your Labor Day contain no Labor!
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then...
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"
I swear Hollisters electricity bill must be like $1 a month..
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?