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I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.
That awkward moment when you get in the van... And there`s no candy.
I`m as nutty as a squirell fart
I wish my GPA looked like the gas prices right now...
It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
What if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs?
If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I`d totally be expecting some change back.
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".
Like a good neighbor,I don`t really care.