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Why do baby clothes have pockets?
Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
I noticed you`re not yourself today. I really like it.
Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™
My pants are 75% off.
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
The worst part about being alone is I don`t have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge.
#1738 "The fact that people use the wrong "your" and "there" yet spell "Bieber" correctly bothers me."-dd
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
How do some people manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time?
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."