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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.
It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don`t make the rules.
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they`d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
Money isn`t the key to happiness ... Wait a minute, I`ll just pay to have a key made.
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.