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I`ve been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
You might be addicted to Facebook if you read my post`s every day...
I should be able to take a sick day if I am sick of the people I work with.
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
I am not judging you...I already decided I don`t like you
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my mind and my temper
I self medicate, therefore you live.
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do
Kinda funny how the Mayans said we were all gonna die in 2012, but they all disappeared way before us.
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."