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I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I don’t just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.
roses are red , violets are blue , I got five fingers and the 3rd one for you ;)
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I dare you to spit on this status.
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer
Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you
There are sick days, paid holidays, and vacation days. What about "Don`t have any gas to make it to work days"
OK. So I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "
There are two types of people I can`t stand. Nosy people, and people who won`t tell me what`s going on.
Get Dora and Boots on this missing plane case now, Dora solves the case everytime