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My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m quite busy.
I could of sworn my pillow`s a hairdreeser...coz I always wake up with the craziest hairstyles!! :D
Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....