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I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
"I know im the best driver on the road" thinks every guy.
I heard she was born naked!! That slut!
Orion`s Belt is a huge waist of space.
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
I hate when Iām walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.