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Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
Marriage is for quitters
Just googled "who gives a sh!t?" My name wasn`t in the search results.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
It`s not that I`m judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.
What is this `wrong hole` you people speak of?
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.
I was being taught to use some machinery today, and I was quizzed as to the rules of it`s use. When asked what the first rule is I responded, "You do not talk about Fight Club."
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
Breast awareness month: we stare because we care
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?