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Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
The dollar store needs to go ahead and open up a few gas stations.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
Whenever you`re feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too!
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.
I`m smiling ... You should be scared.