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Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
"You go girl" - asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
Here`s a joke for all you mind readers...
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"......Idiots can`t spell...
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.