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Long story short, I love summaries.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
I bet there`s a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas... would it stay in Vegas?
I thinking about how im disgusted by holding a gas pump but yet, I have no problem drinking my beer from a cup that ten other people drank out of, and a backwash covered ping pong ball was just thrown into it after hitting a dirty a$$ garage floor??
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw