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I think the cats are hording all the single women out there...
The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
I`m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
50 notifications later I regret ever commenting on your status.
I received an email from a hacker that had accessed my bank account. It simply read, "LOL".
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.