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I love to start my day by getting on Facebook to see who is a whiny little bi!ch today.
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
Pringles cans should have a twist mechanism like stick deodorant.
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it`s true calling: helping people wink online.
Most problems can be solved with nudity.
Life advice: Enjoy the f*ck out of it. It`s that simple.
I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation… My Czech is in the mail!
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.
"Huh?" (my thought for the day)
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.