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Stovetop Directions: 1.) Use microwave.
There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
Three weeks without a signal typo!
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
Fitness? More like fitness whole cheesecake in my mouth.
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
I was voted `Most Paranoid` by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.
If I had spoken to my parents the way some children do now, I would not be here to share this status.