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my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
This pill bottle says `Take with plenty of fluids` and `Don`t take with alcohol`. That doesn`t even make sense
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
We need to DETACH from all this technology and live life in the moment. Sent from my iPhone
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
When people say things like "You can`t change the past" I can`t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.
This isn`t a bakery. We don`t sugarcoat sh!t