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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
Decided to make a life altering decision today.... When I think of it I`ll let you know
Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone.. and if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
I don’t know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese’s to a box of tampons could literally save lives.
Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider`s web.
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever`s bugging you.
I got the girl to hysterically laugh today just by asking her out for a date.
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace