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I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
The problem with some people is that they`re breathing.
The best things in life require no pants.
My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it won’t ever feel quite right.
I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.
I`m not lazy. I`m just highly motivated to not do anything.
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
What makes fancy green beans fancy?
Due To ObamaCare and the poor economy Holiday Cheer this year will be distributed in Shot Glasses...
I wish I could select all my responsibilities and press delete.
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?
The wifes exhausted as she`s had some hot steamy action lately, But at least the ironing basket is empty
Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.