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Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
Let`s party like there`s no tomorrow and call in sick if there is one.
My friends says that I spend too much time talking to random people online. What do you guys think?
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there`s only 36 shades of grey
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
I guess the teachers went back to school. The bar was nearly empty this morning.
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
Sometimes I get a little sad and feel like being alone. But then I talk to my dog about it and he reminds me I`m Awesome. Then WE DANCE.