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I thought the movie `fast & furious` was about my sex life. I`m fast, my wife is furious.
For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
I had to leave the bowling alley right in the middle of the game. I didn`t have time to spare.
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale
I feel sorry for men who don’t know how to value women. One look at a woman and I know how much she will cost me.
Ladies, don`t date him just because his dad has a yacht. Date the dad.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.
Young enough to know I can. Old enough to know I shouldn`t. Stupid enough to do it anyway.