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I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
Ah Friday...my second favorite "F" word!
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever`s bugging you.
I like dating chicks with kids, because fruity snacks
I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.
I don`t like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I`m leaving!
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there’s some millionaire walking around who invented the Pool Noodle.
That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to `Toys For Tots` before you`re eligible for an Xbox?