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I don`t care about your status...
Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
That awkward moment when you finally realize what your rice krispies are saying to you.
Here`s how I gained 27lbs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
Ordering a water with lemon says “I’m too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.”
Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I`m just kidding ... there`s no pizza.
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.
When reality kicks in… add more booze.
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.